Here lately I haven't had much to say, or rather, I did not know what I could add to the conversation. This season of my life has been very different for me personally & professionally. For one, this is the first quarter (4 months) in the last 8 years or so that I haven't been on staff at a church. Our family is now attending Cornerstone Church of Knoxville; it is wonderful. But... I often find myself in conversations such as:
"So, you are leading worship at this new church!" someone says...
"Actually, no," I reply.
"Well, are you getting a chance to teach very often?"
"Not really, sometimes I am speaking at different retreats & conferences, but not at our church." I say.
"Huh, what's the matter?" they say.
"Nothing that I know of, we are just learning once again what it means to be affectionate towards the Lord Jesus & His church."
These types of conversations are quite common these days; it is quite humbling really. I didn't realize how I was so closely associated to my performance: singing/playing, teaching, leading, etc. It led me to consider my identity in Christ. I wondered how much I was leaning upon my personal ability/talent rather than finding my identity in the Gospel. Plus, it seems that many measure our relationship to God with what they see in our performance for God. I understand how this could be a tempting measuring tool.
Here's what I am learning though...
I am coming to realize how important it is lead my family spiritually. Rather than lead worship on a big stage, I am finding myself trying to lead my family in worship & prayer in my living room. Which, by the way, it is much more difficult to keep their attention than large audiences! Rather than teach at my church, I am learning to receive teaching & attempt to instruct my family. Rather than plan the curriculum, I am learning to study my material for the "Exploring Cornerstone" class & be a diligent student. I am learning that in order to be someone worth following, you must first be willing to follow.
God is being so kind to us right now. I shutter to think of where I would be currently if the Lord wouldn't have led me to pause. Even more, I am jealous for others to experience the same.
Thankful!
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Wow! I am both encouraged and convicted at the same time with the content of this post. How much of my time is spent leaning on my abilities and strength, rather than leaning on the all-powerful, all-knowing, merciful God. Thanks Ben for the example that you are setting for us all. Your family and humility is a great sign of God's grace in your life.
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