My confession is simple: I have often misunderstood what it means to be the spiritual leader in my home.
Explanation: In theory, I understand what it means to be the spiritual leader of my home; in practice, it is not so easy. It reminds me of what Dallas Willard said, "very little of the Christian life works in theory, but rather only in practice; it must be tried by faith."
This morning our men's group met for our time of community & accountability. Our curriculum generally begins by talking about what stood out to us in the relevant chapter of "Whiter than Snow" by Paul David Tripp (aka P-Diddy Tripp). Somehow we landed on the topic of leadership & I was deeply confronted with something that is true in my life. A dear spiritual friend, Mike, said (my paraphrase), "I thought I was a good leader in the home by keeping peace by way of not dealing with conflict, instead of realizing that through the pain of confrontation, we are able to confront sin (& lies, etc.) & grow." In many ways, he described my "default" leadership.
To be at "default" is to do what is natural, or when nobody is looking, or when you are within the comfort of home without the pressure to perform. I realized that my "default" is often to ignore problems hoping that time will solve the issue. I know that it seems dumb to think that [problems + time - confrontation = spiritual leadership]. I know this in theory, but practice is different. What I really need to do when there is unrest, unforgiveness, tension, discipline, etc. that needs resolved is to confront the issue & take appropriate action. This is a much better way to lead...much better, but harder. Also, what I have realized is that my wife respects me more for this. In reality, she needs & desires me to tackle tough issues & confront sin & problems--it is me that isn't too keen on the idea. What is completely ironic is that I recently authored a book on leadership & the first section deals largely with the need for confrontation in team health. You would think I could heed my own advice.
Truth is, I know I am not alone. I am aware that you deal with this as well. But, I am hopeful of the growth that is becoming evident in my life.
Consider this resource from my former pastor, Sam Shaw, on 25 Ways to Be the Spiritual Leader in Your Home:
25 Ways to Be a Spiritual Leader in Your Home
A spiritual leader includes his wife in envisioning the future.
A spiritual leader accepts spiritual responsibility for the family.
A spiritual leader is willing to say, “I’m sorry “ and “forgive me” to his family.
A spiritual leader discusses household responsibilities with his wife and makes sure they are evenly distributed.
A spiritual leader seeks the consultation of his wife on all major financial responsibilities.
A spiritual leader follows through with commitments he has made to his wife.
A spiritual leader anticipates the different seasons his marriage will pass through.
A spiritual leader anticipates the different stages his children will pass through.
A spiritual leader frequently tells his wife what he likes about her.
A spiritual leader provides financially for his family’s basic living expenses.
A spiritual leader deals with distractions so he can talk with his wife and family.
A spiritual leader prays with his wife on a regular basis.
A spiritual leader initiates meaningful family traditions.
A spiritual leader initiates fun outings for the family on a regular basis.
A spiritual leader takes time to give his children practical instruction about life, which, in turn, gives them confidence with their peers.
A spiritual leader manages the schedule of the home and anticipates any pressure points.
A spiritual leader keeps his family financially sound and out of harmful debt.
A spiritual leader makes sure he and his wife have drawn up a will and arranged a well-conceived plan for their children in case of death.
A spiritual leader lets his wife and children into the interior of his life.
A spiritual leader honors his wife in public.
A spiritual leader explains sex to his children in a way that gives them a wholesome perspective.
A spiritual leader encourages his wife to grow as an individual.
A spiritual leader takes the lead in establishing with his wife sound, biblically supported family values.
A spiritual leader joins a small group of men who are dedicated to improving their skills as a man, husband and father.
A spiritual leader provides time for his wife to pursue her own personal interest.
Stay hungry, stay foolish!
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Ben, I appreciate your honesty here. I instead of ignoring problems, tend to hit them head on. This may seem like a better avenue, but it can be very detrimental as well. I am learning the need for gentleness, thoughtfulness, and compassion in dealing with issues, especially with Allyssa. I have found in many cases, that I have been direct (which I thought was the correct way of dealing) and in turn have hurt her deeply.
ReplyDeleteSo you (&Mike) are absolutely correct, but I would add that the approach we decide to take needs to be prayerfully considered and be dealt with in very gently manner.